I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
They have beer where we have blood.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
