Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
