3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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