I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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