Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
