the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Even my vagina gasped.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
