Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
