Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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