hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
