Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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