So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize