I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
