you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
