I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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