you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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