You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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