he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
