That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
