Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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