Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize