I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The air was thick with penises
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
