my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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