yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
