I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bring money and cleavage
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
