The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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