An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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