Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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