i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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