sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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