you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
