im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize