literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
