Hey man sorry I got all grabby
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
there is glitter all over my balls
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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