Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The air taste purple.
Randomize
