two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
