the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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