I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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