life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
