I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
