I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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