i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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