So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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