I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
