Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
