when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
