My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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