Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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