standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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