you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would ride that face into the sunset
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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