my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
