Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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