Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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