I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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