saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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