you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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