I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
