Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
