This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
