So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
