I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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