I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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