Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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