you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
