he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
