Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
