My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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